Recently, she was chatting away about what she wants to be when she grows up. Everything is a possibility! Maybe she will be a vet for abandoned doggies in another country. Maybe she will be a dentist (who also has a daycare center called, "Rainbows")-- I'm not making this up, people. She is. She is creative and hopeful and ready to take on whatever challenges she may face. I was once that way.
Last week my boy stayed home with a sore throat. For two days, he laid upon the couch- until he got good and bored. Then, he pulled out his new computer and started writing. He made a list of 30 cities he wants to visit and did a little research. He made a slide show for 7 different cities- including pictures, logos he designed, demographic pie charts and of course, the sports teams. The next morning I received an email titled, "Greetings". It was him. He said that he was not feeling 100% and would like to stay home again. You know why he really wanted to stay home? Because he wanted to research 5 more cities! He likes to learn, to explore, to research and to write. I was once that way, too.
I dreamed a dream in days gone by....
I had many dreams I can recall over the years. First, when I was younger than Lulu, I'd write in my journal how many animals I'd have on my farm- and what all their names would be. Then, I'd dream about running a summer camp and all the games I'd play with the kids. Then, I dreamed about being a missionary in Costa Rica. I dreamed about teaching dance, teaching math and teaching kids to read in other countries.
But, at some point those dreams got put on hold. Some of it is good. I have learned to relinquish some of my dreams for some of God's way- way- way- way better dreams.
I have a good life. In fact, it is great! But, just recently as I am starting to see the "light at the end of the tunnel"- ie: my littlest kid is heading to kindergarten in 17 months. Not that I'm counting- oh but I am. And, I have started to ask myself again, "what do I want to be? what do I want to do? how can I use my passions to make the world a better place? how can I invest in a career and model to my kids that I really do mean it when I say they can pursue anything they wish?"
I have carved out new time to work through some of my *$%&, and journal, and seek joy, truth, hope and my calling. I know pieces of it, but I don't know it all. Fear has gotten in the way. Fear of taking time and money to return to grad school. Fear of focusing more on myself- and less and my husband and kids. Fear of failing- of not being that "start student" I was once upon a time. Fear of my own limitations- my weaknesses sometimes seem to shine brighter than my strengths.
A few things I know. 1. I love to teach, and to show love to others. 2. I love to help, encourage, serve and see others soar. Awhile back I started going to counseling. There are some areas of my soul and mind that need clarity, healing and direction. It's been great.
Today I was reminded of my top 5 from Strengthfinder:
Individualization (intrigued by each unique person),
Developer (helping others grow in their potential; teach)
Empathy (being able to care deeply)
Communication (hey, this is why I write!)
Connectedness (I really love to include everyone- and help the person "farthest out" belong.)
At counseling today, we made a Dream Board.
Here's mine.
My number one goal in life to is Love the Lord and love others. Beyond that, I want to care for my home and family. I want to share my story and listen to others' stories. I want to read and write and help those who are illiterate find that education can be key to leaving the poverty cycle. I want to date my husband, support him and love him until we are old. I want more joy and peace and health to fill me. I want to continue to be transformed- like a butterfly-- able to change in areas that I feel stuck. I want to change lives and people's futures. I want to see beauty all around me- to stop and notice sunsets, but also see it in unlikely places!
Do I trust God to help me discover anew what I want to be when I grow up? Yes!