I can blurt my soul out into my journal, and onto scrap pieces of paper I find in my purse as I wait outside for my daughter to come out of class. I can blurt my heart out in prayer as I walk my dog. I can blurt my heart out over the phone to my best friend or pillow-to-pillow with my husband.
If I give myself five minutes to write, I often just write what I'm thankful for. If I give myself ten minutes to write, I'll often write a rant about some random thing. If I give myself longer to really listen to my soul and if I sit down to write ONLY for myself in my journal- this is what I face: Questions.
When did I lose my invincibility? I remember half a lifetime ago- exactly 17 years ago. When I was 17, the world was full of possibilities and I had the confidence- or perhaps just youthful ego...to think I could conquer them all.
When did I lose that youthful confidence? Why does writing scare me, when I've wanted to do BIG things with my life, travel the world and help the less fortunate? When did I lose my childlike belief in myself?
Whenever I hear something three times, I know it's time to start listening. Apparently, I have to hear something that many times until my ears start tuning in, and I think, Duh, maybe this is God speaking to me.
What have I heard from multiple sources this week:
"Journal"... I have been stuck in writing here- as I shared in my earlier posts. But, three different people told me to go back to my journaling. I have boxes in the basement that have made every move with us-- from house to house I drag the boxes that carry my heart and soul. From age 8 when I wrote about my fear of shots...to age 12 when I wrote about what I'd wear to my dance tryouts...to age 14 when I'd write about my loneliness...to age 19 when I'd write about my passion for the world...to age 25 when I'd write about my heart to adopt.
When I write for myself (or for my Lord)- I don't censor myself. I don't edit and cross off misspelled words. I don't "should" on myself and think that I should NOT be feeling that way...or should be doing something else. I just write...and pour out my soul to my God who listens. He is my best friend.
My 6-year old doesn't have a problem writing. She doesn't stop to make sure what she is saying makes sense. She doesn't care. She writes and finds joy and is always proud of the product. (She seems to be more inspired than me- writing book after book!) Oh, I how I want to be more like her!! My 10-year old looks at a blank piece of paper and sees endless possibilities. He sees the whole story, whereas, I can only see a few steps (words) ahead of me. I want to write with the joy that he does. Confident that my story matters. Confident that I did my best. Oh, how I want to learn from these precious ones.
So here is where I am today. I must start with journaling- where I have the freedom to say whatever. Then, when I sit here before my computer, I still have to walk in that freedom and...
JUST WRITE ANYTHING.
I seriously need to find a way to glue myself to this seat.