I want to share that I'm Messy Missy, and that is okay. I want to share that I struggle with anxiety and depression and I knew it was a real problem about a year ago, when my nights became difficult and my days became even harder, though there was no particular issue that I was grieving or dealing with. In fact, it was a time of great happiness, shortly after our adoption was complete, my kids were healthy, my marriage going pretty well and spiritually, I had been spending time in God's Word every day. Yet, there was a weight upon my shoulders. A great sadness that would well up in the morning would leave me feeling unable to conquer even the most mundane things in my day. An anxiety would grip me in my sleep, waking me again and again. I wrote down all the things I could think of to be thankful for. I made sure that I went to bed early and started saying 'no' to many things, so that I'd have rest time. Still, the sadness stayed. I was at my Friday morning prayer group and one friend was sharing about her husband hard time, and I started crying: that is exactly me. I came home and called a "knee to knee" talk with Rob-- I needed to call this what is was and start taking steps towards getting mentally and emotionally healthy.
My body has changed in my 30's, I know my hormones and chemicals were off balance. My migraines have picked up and this last three years has been full of PT and chiropractic appointments, along with Advil and Ice for my chronic back pain. I needed to stick to a few things that I knew would help: healthy choices, counseling and asking for more help-- after all, having three kids and one in the midst of the "terrible two's" was wearing me down before 8am. I sought help. I shared with those closest to me. I began to journal again, and to 'fight' for my day off/ my alone time/ my girlfriend time: the things I knew that would help fill my tank. (Not that it was a fight, as my husband has been completely supportive.)
I went to my doctor, we met with a couple to talk through it, and I've asked for my close friends to continue to check in with me.
The hardest thing is that I like being "happy, friendly Missy" and it was (is) hard for me to accept this other piece of me. This piece that carries a stigma...the feeling that I'm not enough. It is hard for me in social situations when I am feeling low: I don't want to be fake, but it is not usually appropriate to show up in pj's moping around. I feel like I'm not the "super smiley, all-able" mommy/ wife that I want to be.
There is a joy in Jesus underneath it all, and yes, He gives me courage to face each day, and there is also medicine to help. But, there are still days that are really hard. There are weeks that are really hard. Perhaps this is a season, or maybe this will persist as the "thorn in my side" that keeps me boasting in the Lord, not in myself. I am utterly dependent and thankful to Him-- and still this struggle is real.
I wonder how many others are struggling? I wonder how long this will continue to be my new reality? So, back to my word for the year: Embrace. How do you embrace the parts of you that are not your favorite parts? How do you embrace your weaknesses? How do you embrace days that just stink?
***Disclaimer: I'll admit I did not just spend "15 minutes" on this- as I've been trying to do each day. This story has been brewing for awhile. This is one I've edited and deleted. This is one that I'd like to 'cushion' more
with humor...but, it is true and real and raw.
Here is one writer's take on her experience...and as I've been devouring as much information on this as I can-- this one has encouraged me the most to speak up.
http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2015/01/depression-is-not-scandal.html