At night I wake up at 3:08. My jaw is clicking and my ear is red and my eye is throbbing. I roll over and rearrange my pillows so that my knees are bent just right to alleviate the strain on my lower back. I stare at the clock and try to position my head in such a way that I don't hear the hammering in my ear. I am in that half- dreaming state, imaging half- real things that would be cool, but impossible. Wishing that I could push a button on the back of my neck and bend my head back as if on a hinge.
I'd open it up and with tiny little tools, make some adjustments. I would adjust my jaw so that my teeth bite together just right. I would adjust my ears so that I didn't get funky nauseous vertigo moments. I'd find that little part inside my brain that sets off migraines and take it right out. While I'm in there, I'd find the emotional part of my brain and pump up the positivity just a notch. Then, I'd push the button and my head would swivel on that hinge and close right up. I'd wake up feeling like a 34 year old, not an 84 year old. It would be nice.
Life unhinges you. It undoes you. It unravels the things that you have build up. It is full of loss and change and shattered perceptions. The dancer "me" I was was at 13 is different than the ministry "me" of 18 and the pregnant "me" of 26 and the more introverted "me' of today. I've been undone. And, it is okay. In fact, it is a good thing. If I weren't undone, then I couldn't grow and learn and overcome challenges. Marriage has undone me- It has made me look past my own selfish needs day after day. Parenting has undone me- It is made me dig deep inside to keep going when my energy is gone on and to be brave. My ongoing physical and emotional challenges have completely undone me- they have made me learn to say no to things, learn to love the broken pieces of me -- and grow in grace towards others.
I believe that you have to be unhinged and undone and unraveled, so that you will come to fully know and rely on God's strength and grace and love. I cannot bend my head back on a hinge to fix things, but I can allow God to unhinge my heart, and flood it again with His truth and hope.
I'd open it up and with tiny little tools, make some adjustments. I would adjust my jaw so that my teeth bite together just right. I would adjust my ears so that I didn't get funky nauseous vertigo moments. I'd find that little part inside my brain that sets off migraines and take it right out. While I'm in there, I'd find the emotional part of my brain and pump up the positivity just a notch. Then, I'd push the button and my head would swivel on that hinge and close right up. I'd wake up feeling like a 34 year old, not an 84 year old. It would be nice.
Life unhinges you. It undoes you. It unravels the things that you have build up. It is full of loss and change and shattered perceptions. The dancer "me" I was was at 13 is different than the ministry "me" of 18 and the pregnant "me" of 26 and the more introverted "me' of today. I've been undone. And, it is okay. In fact, it is a good thing. If I weren't undone, then I couldn't grow and learn and overcome challenges. Marriage has undone me- It has made me look past my own selfish needs day after day. Parenting has undone me- It is made me dig deep inside to keep going when my energy is gone on and to be brave. My ongoing physical and emotional challenges have completely undone me- they have made me learn to say no to things, learn to love the broken pieces of me -- and grow in grace towards others.
I believe that you have to be unhinged and undone and unraveled, so that you will come to fully know and rely on God's strength and grace and love. I cannot bend my head back on a hinge to fix things, but I can allow God to unhinge my heart, and flood it again with His truth and hope.